When Noah was getting ready to push off with his ark, the story goes, God told him to gather all the animals of the world \u201ctwo by two.\u201d That was a delicate way of saying that he was supposed to locate both a male and female version of each animal so that there would eventually be baby animals to ensure the continuation of each species. Fortunately, God didn\u2019t have to explain the exact details of sex to Noah, who according to some sources fathered hundreds of kids of his own. That\u2019s why God had to find something else for Noah to do.<\/p>\n
When I was a kid, my dad told me that when it came to rounding up slugs, Noah only needed to bring one aboard.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy was that?\u201d I asked. \u201cBecause a slug is a hermaphrodite,\u201d Dad explained. \u201cOh,\u201d I replied \u2013 and ran out to play.<\/p>\n
After thinking it over for several months, I asked him who Herm Aphrodite was.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s a creature that has both male and female characteristics,\u201d Dad said. \u201cOh,\u201d I replied \u2013 and ran out to play.<\/p>\n
A few years later, I asked dad a followup question: \u201cSo does that mean that slugs are sort of like uncle Mike?\u201d Dad nodded \u2013 and ran out to play.<\/p>\n
The fact that slugs can mate with themselves is probably a good thing. They are so slow that if they had to go through the normal courtship process \u2013 going on dates, making out, foreplay \u2013 the species would have become extinct a million years ago.<\/p>\n
Considering that slugs are so plentiful here in the Northwest, they\u2019re probably not very smart, either. After all, in a place where gardening is so popular, slugs are practically Public Mollusk Number One. Even so, they choose to live in an area that is extremely hostile to their survival.<\/p>\n
For example, slugs hate traveling across things in the garden like lava rock and bark chips. It irritates and dehydrates them. Coincidentally, I don\u2019t like being in the garden for the same reason.<\/p>\n
Master gardeners say that salt, caffeine, wine and beer are all fatal to slugs, making them the least fun gastropods to party with. Yet where do slugs choose to hang out? Why, right here in the land of sodium-laden restaurants (including one actually called \u201cSalty\u2019s\u201d), coffee places, wineries and breweries. Let\u2019s face it, slugs are just asking for it.<\/p>\n
I tuned in a talk show recently where a woman slug expert was the guest. \u201cTrue, slugs can be quite destructive in the garden,\u201d she admitted. \u201cBut I think they are fascinating creatures.\u201d I\u2019m surprised Barbara Walters has never interviewed one.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe way slugs are able to travel,\u201d continued the expert, \u201cis by gliding on the slime that their bodies produce. It is quite unique in nature.\u201d Again, it\u2019s a good thing they don\u2019t need to date.<\/p>\n
\u201cPlus,\u201d she added, \u201cslugs can stretch up to 20 times their normal lengths, enabling them to squeeze through tiny openings in order to get at their food.\u201d Sorry, ma\u2019am, but none of that sounds all that appealing \u2013 although it would be kind of handy to squeeze through a keyhole if you accidentally got locked out of the house.<\/p>\n
Unlike their cousins, the snails, slugs aren\u2019t even good to eat. In fact, the Medical Journal of Australia recently issued a warning to the citizens down under not to eat slugs. And that includes the always-tasty slug-ka-bobs cooked on the barbie. Doctors say that some slugs carry a worm that can make people ill. So if the slug doesn\u2019t get you, the worm will.<\/p>\n
Around here, the experts say that it is actually okay to eat banana slugs, assuming they are worm-free. Banana slugs are those really big ones with the Chiquita sticker on the side. They can be as long as 10 inches or more. That\u2019s a lot of slug to eat in one sitting, so it\u2019s wise to save half for later. Incidentally, the official name for the banana slug is Ariolimax columbianus \u2013 which is the sound a human makes trying to choke one down.<\/p>\n
So if slugs aren\u2019t good food, maybe they\u2019d make nice pets, especially for people allergic to dog and cat fur but not slime. In fact, maybe a slug could actually be taught to come when called.<\/p>\n
Then again, who could wait that long?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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