Can you spot the sentence that is not contained within our nation\u2019s Declaration of Independence?<\/p>\n
\u2022 \u201cWe hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 \u201cWe mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred honor.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2022 \u201cCan I get some more mustard on this wiener?\u201d<\/p>\n
Scholars will immediately recognize the first two sentences as penned by Thomas Jefferson. But interestingly, Jefferson also uttered the third sentence during an outdoor picnic at his Monticello home. History, it turns out, is filled with lots of famous quotes \u2013 and even more not-so-famous ones.<\/p>\n
As we aim toward the Fourth of July weekend, it\u2019s worth remembering exactly why it\u2019s such a grand time for gaudy fireworks shows, backyard barbecues and record-setting beer guzzling: It\u2019s our collective birthday party.<\/p>\n
The original Declaration of Independence \u2013 the one written by Jefferson with a pen, not in an e-mail, 32 years ago \u2013 is now encased in argon at the National Archives. Argon is a handy gas for preserving things that way. It is tasteless, much like a guy who tells really dirty jokes in a car pool. It is also odorless, unlike that guy in a car pool.<\/p>\n
It turns out that of all the names written below the Declaration of Independence, only John Hancock actually signed it on July 4, 1776. And he wrote his name big. When the other 55 signers showed up a month later to sign, John Adams remarked, \u201cHey, Hancock, ya glory hound, thanks for leaving room for the rest of us!\u201d No one remembers who threw the first punch after that.<\/p>\n
Another of the signers of the Declaration, Benjamin Franklin, is credited with many famous quotes through his lifetime. Among them:<\/p>\n
\u201cA small leak can sink a great ship.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA man wrapped up in himself makes for a very small bundle.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA penny saved is a penny earned.\u201d<\/p>\n
And this one: \u201cAdmiration is the daughter of ignorance.\u201d<\/p>\n
However, less remembered are Franklin\u2019s first drafts of those famous quotes:<\/p>\n
\u201cA small leek can ruin the entire produce department.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA man wrapped up is a mummy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA penny saved is a lousy savings account.\u201d<\/p>\n
And, \u201cHello there, Mr. Ignorance. I was just admiring your daughter.\u201d<\/p>\n
It\u2019s hard to know how many citizens these days have ever actually read the Declaration of Independence, but it\u2019s probably more than have ever read the warnings on bottle rockets.<\/p>\n
When I was a kid, we lived next door to a neighbor who began firing off explosives at morning\u2019s first light on the Fourth. He had them all \u2013 Whistlin\u2019 Petes, Jumpin\u2019 Jacks and cherry bombs \u2013 and the assault went on all day and into the night. He finally closed things out with something called the Pyrotechnic Motherlode, which contained more shots than were fired in the War of 1812. I think the neighbor\u2019s actual name was Tim, but everybody called him \u201cTwo Fingers.\u201d I don\u2019t know why, because he had at least three.<\/p>\n
Whoever invented fireworks must not have owned a dog or cat. Pets like fireworks about as much as sidewalk ants like magnifying glasses. We once owned a cat that jumped so high into the air when a firecracker went off, that he grazed the basketball hoop in our driveway.<\/p>\n
Even slugs will run at three times their normal speed when fireworks are around, especially fireworks with the brand name Cracklin\u2019 Fountains of Salt.<\/p>\n
My kids often complained about the \u201clame\u201d fireworks I would buy for them each year. These included sparklers, poppers and snakes. My daughter said they were about as exciting as churning butter. I asked her when, exactly, she had ever churned butter. She admitted that she hadn\u2019t and decided to give it a try. Since then, it has become one of her favorite summertime activities, especially on the Fourth of July.<\/p>\n
As Benjamin Franklin once said, \u201cButter churned leaves little margarine for error.\u201d He was a bit tipsy at the time.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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