There was almost a very ugly confrontation at a Fred Meyer store the other day \u2014 I\u2019m just glad Fred wasn\u2019t there to see it. Two guys who apparently had never met before came face-to-face in the frozen food aisle.<\/p>\n
The men stood staring at each other \u2013 thunderstruck \u2013 because they were wearing identical T-shirts, with the same wording emblazoned across the front: World\u2019s Greatest Dad!<\/p>\n
The men looked like a pair of aging gunfighters with itchy trigger fingers. Other store patrons watched nervously as the men slowly walked closer to each other. Luckily, at the last moment, an announcement came over the store intercom: \u201cAttention Fred Meyer shoppers! The world\u2019s greatest deal on corned-beef hash is going on right now in our canned food aisle!\u201d The confrontation ended as everyone went scurrying.<\/p>\n
But my research shows that those two guys are not alone. There may be thousands of fathers around the nation who own such T-shirts \u2014 all worn in the proud belief that the proclamation on the front of the shirt is true and beyond dispute.<\/p>\n
What\u2019s going on here? I decided to find out. I paid a visit to Dr. Ferdinand Zissler, who is the world\u2019s foremost authority on modern sociological phenomena. As I entered his office, I noticed he was wearing a T-shirt reading: World\u2019s Foremost Authority on Modern Sociological Phenomena.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe live in a world where everyone feels the need to be the best at something,\u201d Dr. Zissler said. \u201cWe rarely see men walking around with T-shirts that read: World\u2019s Second-greatest Dad \u2014 much less World\u2019s Lousiest Dad.\u201d<\/p>\n
The good doctor is right about that. When\u2019s the last time you sat at a stoplight behind a car with a bumper sticker that read: \u201cYour Kid\u2019s an Honor Student, Because My Kid Sets the Mean?\u201d<\/p>\n
Dr. Zissler believes that humans have always had a craving to be exalted. \u201cIf ball caps had been invented millions of years ago,\u201d he contends, \u201cthere would have been hundreds of cavemen walking around with caps that read: World\u2019s Greatest Homoerectus.\u201d<\/p>\n
When I was a kid, I remember a man bragging to a group of other dads about how his son had taken first place in a local swim meet. Another dad chimed in to mention that his kid had been named \u201cCarrier of the Month\u201d by a local newspaper. (I thought it was because he had the most contagious diseases.) Still another proud father crowed about how his offspring had won three blue ribbons at the county fair.<\/p>\n
Then Tim Arbogast\u2019s dad spoke up. \u201cMy boy Tim can really, really eat,\u201d said Mr. Arbogast, beaming with unmasked pride. \u201cWe had chicken pot pies for dinner last night, and my Tim ate five of them!\u201d Every other father was struck speechless.<\/p>\n
Those dads had just learned what every kid in town already knew: whenever Tim Arbogast was in the school lunchroom, we were in the presence of greatness. Tim didn\u2019t have wear a T-shirt to tell us so; and even if he did, it would have been hard to read it through all the pot-pie crumbs.<\/p>\n
When I was in college, I received a letter informing me that I had been selected to appear in that year\u2019s edition of Who\u2019s Who in American Colleges.<\/p>\n
But the thrill was short-lived. I read on and discovered that the honor required a fee of $65. Unfortunately, I was also eligible for Who\u2019s Broke in American Colleges, so $65 was out of the question.<\/p>\n
Besides, $65 bought a lot of beer.<\/p>\n
Dr. Zissler says that the \u201cWho\u2019s Who\u201d title is bogus anyway. \u201cAny award predicated on your ability to pay for it isn\u2019t much of an award,\u201d he maintains. \u201cBesides, I think the correct title should be Whom\u2019s Whom in American Colleges.\u201d<\/p>\n
I got a call from Tim Arbogast yesterday. He wants to meet up for lunch next week. I hope he\u2019s picking up the check.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
Pat Cashman is a writer, actor and public speaker. He can be reached at pat@patcashman.com.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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